This isn’t a romantic story about how I quit my job, cashed in my 401k, and ran off to Greece to find myself. Sorry, if that’s what you were hoping for, you won’t find it here. Nope, my story is not quite as exciting, but to me it is every bit as magical. I hope you can relate in one way or another.
From a young age I knew deep down that I was not meant for a typical 9-5 job. My interests have always gone beyond what we are told is “normal.” I started my first desk job at the age of 16. I was in a homeschool program, working during the day and studying at night. I worked several office jobs after that one. They would always start out great, as new things usually do, but before long I was down in the dumps feeling like I was trapped and being cheated out of something great. I would wonder why and how people are able to work from home, making great money, and I was stuck behind a desk all day staring at a wall.
I had my first son when I was 23, the second followed only 14 months later, and I had my hands full! My husband and I decided that it would be best if I stayed home with the boys for the time being. Money was tight, but we made it work. A few years later when my boys were 4 and 5 (they passed at lightning speed by the way) I was given the opportunity to go back to work. I was reluctant, but we really needed the extra cash, so I took the job. The 3-4 hour commute every day was dreadful, and the work environment was hostile and miserable. I missed my babies, and, again, felt like I was being cheated out of precious time with them. I hated the idea that someone else was raising them, even though I am grateful for that bond they formed with their Papa. I was missing out on field trips and opportunities to volunteer in the classroom. I missed out on dropping my son off at school and picking him up everyday. I would get home around 6:30, start homework and dinner, take baths, have story time, and go to bed. I was completely drained every day. My house was a mess, and lets not even get started on laundry!
I was fed up, so I thought maybe if I found a job closer to home I would be happier because I could drop the kids off at school, and be home at a decent time in the evening. So I found a job closer to home and I was thrilled. In my head everything was going to be perfect after that…WRONG! This job was even more dreadful than the last. The people I worked with were self-centered and down right mean. I worked there for 10 months, and I probably spent the last 6 months crying every day. I gained 30 lbs. in the 10 months i was there, because I would find comfort in all the wrong places. Curse my love for fried food! I hated my life and felt desperate for something magical to happen. I would think “Why can’t I have a job doing something that I love? Why can’t I work from home and be there for my kids? Why can’t I use my creativeness to bring money into our home? What am I missing? So many other people in the world have found their purpose, why not me?” And I victimized myself everyday. Life was miserable and unfair, and I felt like a total waste of a human. So you know what I did? I quit that horrible job, and no one even cared that I was leaving! Those last two weeks couldn’t have passed fast enough!
The only problem with me quitting was the rift that it caused in my marriage. It was November, and we had talked about me quitting after the holidays when we didn’t have so much money going out. I agreed, but what my husband didn’t understand was that the life was literally being sucked out of me more and more every day, and I couldn’t take one more minute of it. It was an impulsive, selfish thing to do. I felt like the most horrible person in the world putting all that responsibility and stress on him to be the sole provider for our family. Especially when we had gotten used to having two incomes. But it was done and there was no turning back. I figured he would cool down and everything would be back to normal after a few weeks, and he would understand, and we would make things work, because thats what we do. Not so much. He held a grudge for a very long time. It was probably a year before things started getting better, and slowly over the next two years we eventually forgot about that bad place we were in not too long before.
Which brings me to the happy part! The part about how this was a good thing! But first I need to back track just a little bit…When I was 26/27ish I started going through a spontaneous spiritual awakening, and of course had no clue what was happening at the time. Fast forward to age 29 in November 2012 when I quit my job; I started feeling these symptoms a lot more, and MUCH more intensely. I was seeing numbers all the time (1111, 333, 444, 555, and so on,) feeling tingling in my crown chakra, waking up at 3:33 every single night for I don’t know how long. I was receiving little seeds of information, topics that I needed to study, and guidance to start meditating. So I dove in and spent every spare moment (which I had a lot more of now that I was a stay-home-mommy!) researching spiritual topics, Angels, chakras, spiritual awakening, kundalini, Reiki, channeling, astrology, tarot, you name it, I was being guided to research it. I would be in the middle of cooking dinner and out of no where came “what is kundalini energy?” And I would have to write it down so I didn’t forget to look it up, because I had so much information going through me.
That went on for a few years. I would have dry periods where I guess I needed time to relax and absorb everything that I had been receiving. Then after a couple weeks of “down time” I would be back at it. All the while thinking that I had some end goal, and once I learned everything that I needed to learn, something miraculous would happen. I remember praying “I’m ready, i’m ready!” For what I wasn’t completely sure. But I thought I was doing good and had touched every subject needed to make it to the next “level.” I would get so dissapointed when I had expectations of what I thought would happen, and nothing happened. Then depression would throw me an upper cut, and I felt lost and worthless. I felt like I had failed at the task I came to this life to accomplish. I have spent days on end being in a funk, not getting anything done physically, or spiritually. Struggling has been a dear friend of mine. But it’s time to release those familiar bonds, and step out into the world. Which brings me to my current happy place!
I have been told many times that I am supposed to write, and that I have a story to share, but have put it off for years out of fear and self-doubt. When I open myself up to guidance, the message is clear. I got the idea to start a blog after a morning walk and meditation. Ego said “who are you to start a blog? You don’t know anything! They will all laugh at you and think you’re crazy!” I then said to ego “I appreciate your concern, as you are just doing your job to protect me, but I’ve got this!” I continued to put it off for days, but I finally did it! Here I am, and I know that my story is being put out there because someone that reads it needs to hear it!
Today I am in this beautiful place where all there is is “now.” There is no yesterday, and no tomorrow, just now. I’ve let go of expectations and outcomes, and it has enabled me to be my highest, most loving self, and shine my brightest love and light. It’s so peaceful here!
Looking back I see how every step along the way, good and bad, rocky and smooth, have all been part of the Divine plan. This is what I came here to do. I was supposed to be miserable all those years, I was supposed to quit my job and cause waves in my relationship, (which is currently in a wonderful place by the way,) I was supposed to go through my awakening right when I did; when the whole world started to feel the shift and wake up! If I hadn’t been through all those experiences, I wouldn’t have my gift to give to the world. I finally realized that there is no end goal or outcome. It’s a constant process of learning and growing. It’s all about “what do I need to work on right now?” “Who am I right now?” And I leave the rest up to God. It’s truly magical!